Insight
by Tha1n0nlYVoyGirl
Summary: B'Elanna's musing at the holodeck.


Title: INSIGHT  
Author: Tha1n0nlYVoYGirl  
Written: 28/7 2002  
Disclaimer: Paramount owns them all.  
Author's Note: Set during season 2.  
Code: T  
Plot: Angst  
Feedback: voygirl@gotmail.com  
***************************************  
  
INSIGHT BY THA1N0NLYVOYGIRL  
  
  
B'Elanna Torres sighed lazily and stretched in the chair.  
Warmth was truly good for her. She couldn't understand why her mother   
had settled down on the cold Kessik Four.  
Probably it was to keep her in the chilly evenings, so Miral could keep  
an eye on her rebellious daughter.  
  
The holodeck offered her almost unlimited resources and possibilities  
to sunbathe as often as she had the time.  
No one could disturb her. It was only her, a good book and the   
welcoming sunshine.  
  
B'Elanna's life was way better on Voyager that it had ever been, still  
there was a few clouds on her horizon.   
She wasn't quite satisfied with her emotional life.  
  
One of the things that really disturbed her was the mixed feelings for  
Tom Paris.   
She found him attractive, intelligent and even funny sometimes.  
  
When she first noticed that she smiled at his sly little remarks, she  
thought she was sick.  
  
Now she'd come to realize, somewhat against her own will, that what   
she felt was friendship. Maybe even more, maybe even something she  
couldn't dare to hope for.   
  
B'Elanna bit her lip and opened her eyes, only to quickly shut them   
again as she noticed the burning sun right above her. Like it seemed to  
love caressing her body, the sun seemed to hate her eyes, trying to   
pierce them with hot rays.  
  
What ever happened to the sarcastic, annoying, chauvinistic pig that   
she'd met in the Maquis?  
Why couldn't he have remained that way, then she wouldn't have to go  
through the inner turmoil she fought to suppress every second of her  
days.   
  
The book had been in the grass for a long time, the black covers   
burning hot as B'Elanna picked it up to use as a protection for her   
sensitive eyelids.  
  
Somehow it remained her of herself. The black, burning covers of her  
attitude, her wall of defense. The white pages within, filled with a  
complicated plot.   
  
With the thick piece of work covering her face almost entirely, she   
sighed again. Heavier this time, and not out of pleasure.  
  
How could she do this?  
How could she allow herself to feel anything except hate for that  
traitor?  
The worst thing was that she'd began to trust him, believe that it  
wasn't his fault when the Maquis with him were captured.   
  
Forcing herself to think about her captured friends, B'Elanna almost  
succeeded in remembering how arrogant Tom Paris used to be.   
  
Why he wasn't still was a mystery, but B'Elanna was determined not to  
try solving it. Determined not to fall for him, not to get struck in  
his old, worn trap.  
  
'If the one you thought was a friend turned out to be a traitor, can't  
another traitor turn out to be a friend?'   
A little voice whispered inside her.   
  
'If Seska could betray you, can't Tom Paris stand up for you?'  
  
Shaking her head to make the insightful voice go away, B'Elanna bit her  
teeth together -hard- in confusion.   
What would she do? What could she do?  
  
Give up and finally allow herself to fully relax in Paris' company, to  
finally become his friend?  
  
Or would she take revenge to the behalf of her friends and freeze him   
out?  
  
If it could have helped her, B'Elanna gladly would have banged her head  
against the holodeck wall.  
  
She had never met a man who could fight with her so often, and even   
win, like Tom could. He even seemed to enjoy it in some sick way.  
  
She had actually never tried to have a calm conversation with him, it  
seemed like they always fought instead of talking normally.  
  
Maybe because it was the only way she could connect to somebody else,   
except Harry and Chakotay.   
  
Maybe it was because they both had trouble just talking.  
  
'Could it be that easy?!' B'Elanna thought as she marveled over her own   
musings.  
  
'Maybe we're both so afraid to get hurt if we let someone else in, that  
we try to disguise it, try to look secure, through fighting?'  
  
B'Elanna stood up, took her hot covered book and the towel she'd had   
under her neck and ended the program.   
  
The holodeck shimmered into view, the ordinary silver walls and the   
cold air.   
  
She'd find Tom and talk to him. Talk, not shout. Whatever happened,   
she'd remain calm. She was aware that it could be hard for her to keep  
that promise, but she'd try with all her power.  
  
Despite her own fear, and the fact that she would betray her old   
friends; she was determined to try.   
  
B'Elanna stopped in front of the locked holodeck doors.  
  
'Friends?' She thought.   
'Were everybody really my friend in the Maquis,   
or is that only what I prefer to call them. To make believe that I have  
more friends that I do?   
We were only a group of people who thought the  
same, but that doesn't make them my true friends. Colleges, is a more  
suiting work.   
Tom didn't fit in, that was why we attacked him. It   
wasn't his fault, but we wanted to think it was because he had   
different ideas than us.   
And if I don't have any true friends in   
Starfleet prison, I can't let anybody down. Only the Maquis aboard   
Voyager, Chakotay and the rest. But Chakotay lets me walk my own path,   
he's happy when I am.'   
  
B'Elanna strongly doubted that all the Maquis had been her friends,   
she wondered why it took her so long to realize it.   
  
And now, when she had the chance to make new, real ones, she would try,  
even if it was aboard a Federation ship.   
  
B'Elanna unlocked the door, took a deep breath and marched out into the   
hallway.  
To any cost, she'd try, or else she'd stay painfully lonely their whole  
journey. If she didn't try at least, she would never forgive herself.  
  
B'Elanna had to try, and she knew it.   
  
Her future was at stake.  
  
***  
End!! 


End file.
